Tipping point…

I had a really tough therapy session yesterday. My therapist was quite real with me about how DBT therapy finishes in 3 and half months and the fact of the matter is, if my self harm severity and frequency hasn’t decreased by the time therapy finishes I’m not going to be well enough to go onto the next stage of therapy which is the trauma work I desperately need. I’m scared because once again I’m facing the reality that self harm is something I need to stop if I’m going to get the life I want. My PTSD is crippling and I need to do the therapy to lesson its effects. But I’m so so so scared to let go of hurting myself. It has felt like my identity for a really long time. Letting go of self harm means I’m also going to be moving on from this part of my life. I’m going to be moving on from hospital trips, stitches, operations, psychiatric admissions. I’m going to be moving on from a part of my life that all revolved around my self destruction. Change is scary for everyone but when you’ve been living a certain way for years change almost feels like the enemy. The people around me, the people I trust the most are all telling me that it is time, I am ready to let go of self harm and hearing that makes me want to cry because I don’t feel ready but honestly- I don’t think I ever will. Yes self harm has been a coping mechanism when I didn’t have anything else and was a friend when I felt really alone but I’m realising now that after all this time, it hasn’t fixed anything. Self harm has always felt ‘safe’ but my therapist pointed out that it feels safe but its probably the most unsafe thing I could be doing right now. Something I thought was my ‘friend’ is now stopping me from moving forward in therapy and that reality has really shaken me. All of this doesn’t mean I’m never going to hurt myself again because I think everyone realises that that isn’t realistic but maybe now these are my first steps to moving forward. To moving on. To getting better.