A new part of the story…

I am currently in the process of getting a tattoo sleeve. My left arm is full of self harm scars and it had been a while since I last self harmed there and it felt like the time was right to start getting them covered. I am having them covered in stages for lots of reasons, scar cover ups are generally more painful than normal tattoos so having my whole arm done several long day sessions didn’t seem like a particularly great option for me, after my first cover up my arm became very swollen and the healing process took a fair amount longer than my other tattoos and there are some other practical reasons as well but a big reason is that it has been really emotional getting my scars covered. I love my new tattoos and it feels like they are now part of my journey. I also like that you can still see a lot of my scars and I can feel them there so its not like I’m hiding that part of my past it just isn’t the first thing I see when I look at my arm anymore. My arm is starting to fill up now which is very exciting and I’m looking forward to when my sleeve is finished. I am already planning my next tattoos and saving up so I can get them done. As I have been getting each tattoo I have realised that it isn’t getting any less special or meaningful as the time goes on. I remember the story, the night, the event behind each scar and now having those scars covered in art that I will have me forever is so meaningful. I had the option a while ago of having surgery to reduce the size of some of my scars but that just didn’t feel right for me at all. It felt too much like I was trying to erase that part of my life, I don’t want to get rid of the times that I did these things to myself. I am never going to forget those memories and they will always be part of my body. But by having these tattoos covering my scars I am reducing the chances of intrusive and sometimes upsetting conversations with strangers, I am boosting my confidence and I’m having a barrier between me and the times that I self harmed. I am already thinking forward to having my right arm tattooed and how momentous that is going to feel. Further in the future I plan on having my thighs tattooed as well. These tattoos are all so meaningful and will all have a lot of weight behind them all. My right arm has less scars so by getting it tattooed I will be eliminating the chance of making more on the clean skin that is left. I also have some very strong memories attached with some particular scars on my right arm which will make it emotional when the time comes and I feel ready to have them covered. I am in no rush to have these tattoos as I want to be completely ready even if I am clear on the designs in my head, that is not the point. I’m so happy to have these tattoos and I love them. Each piece of art that I have on my skin is so significant and they are now part of my story.

physically unwell..

Things have been very up and down recently. Since I finished DBT a few weeks ago I have had a bit of a gap in therapy appointments as I haven’t been well enough physically to attend sessions. It has been really hard to not go in for therapy and groups and it feels very strange. I am still having “telephone coaching sessions” with my therapist which are helping a lot to keep me on track. (I see my care co ordinator fortnightly as well)  My use of DBT skills hasn’t slipped at all despite finishing the program. I feel like I’m still learning about DBT skills all the time and always using them and finding out what works for me best. My mental health is ok and isn’t the main issue at the moment. Recently I have been having a lot of physical health issues. I had to have a colonoscopy a few weeks ago and I am waiting on my biopsy results to come back. I also have an endoscopy for a weeks time and I’m extremely nervous about that as the last one I had was not a pleasant experience at all. It took over and hour when they normally only take 5-20 minuets, the sedation didn’t do much for me and I was generally quite unwell before, during and after the procedure.  That endoscopy was an emergency though and I am trying to remind myself that this one I’m having next week is a planned procedure and will be very different. I won’t go into a lot of detail about my physical health issues but I just generally don’t feel very well at the moment. It has been hard to eat properly which is muddled in with my eating disorder making it hard to eat properly as well. I just want to feel better. This is all such a huge leap from what I was doing a matter of months ago, self harming and actively trying to hurt myself in any way I could to now consciously making an huge effort to attend doctors appointments, talk about my symptoms and try to make myself well. The change is hard and it feels very alien. But I am motivated to make myself feel better and live a better life. Just got to get through this hard stuff first.