2018 has been a weird year. I’ve made so much progress despite blips along the way. I wanted to have a year free from psychiatric hospital admissions but I didn’t quite get there, but that’s ok! I went into hospital informally and for the first time ever I didn’t fight the treatment and made the most of the extra support. On the flip side, Ive made huge leaps in other areas of my life. I went back into education which is something I never thought I would be able to do. I’ve started to learn how to drive! I started dialectic behavioural therapy (DBT) this year with a lovely bunch of girls who are so supportive and kind. I’ve opened up so much in regards to trauma which has quite possibly been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I think it is starting to pay off. So a very positive year in between some of the darker moments. I am really looking forward to seeing what 2019 will bring!
“Light shines brightest in the darkest of places” This is a quote I have been thinking about a lot recently. Things have been really tricky and feel quite bleak. A lot of people who have BPD find themselves in and out of hospitals quite often and that is something that is running true for me at the moment. In my most recent hospital admission I met some incredible staff who really made such a distressing time so much brighter. From the doctors right to the cleaning staff, I can’t fault my local general hospital and the way they cared for me. They made me feel so supported as I waited for a bed on a specialist psychiatric ward. The staff on the general ward I was on were just as incredible as the staff in A&E. One night I couldn’t sleep and was getting distressed so a health care assistant brought me some colouring, a word search, some biscuits and a cup of tea to help calm me and keep me distracted. On another occasion I got myself really upset and the student nurse came over, sat with me, held my hand and reassured me that everything was going to be okay and if I couldn’t hold the hope for myself the people around me would hold it for me. As the hospital was tight on bed space I ended up spending my general admission was on a stroke ward, this meant I saw the ward staff being so incredibly kind to women on a spectrum of disability. The staff never once let patients dignity become compromised and treated all of us with the upmost respect. They really did make such a hard situation so much brighter, sometimes you do need a bit of darkness to really appreciate the light.
So it’s been a little while since I last posted anything on here. I’ve had major writers block and have been lacking motivation- but I’m back now with a post about something that happened to me recently. I’m currently in the long process of gaining trust with my family to be left to have time alone. It’s a struggle for me to be given time on my own without using it to hurt myself. It is a constant battle between wanting to show my family (and self) that I can use time alone safely and wanting to hurt myself so very badly. The other day I was given a few hours home alone and I managed to get through it without doing anything. Most people will see this as a good thing, something to be proud of. But for me I feel horrendously guilty for “wasting an opportunity” to self harm. Later in the day I spoke to my mum about how guilty I was feeling and she said something to me that was really helpful. She told me that everyone who is trying to overcome an addiction says that in 10 years time they don’t want to be still damaging themselves in this way. It’s all very well and good to say that you want things to be different years down the line but one day you are going to have to make a change. Today day I made that little change. I managed to take a step so that in the future I won’t be hurting myself anymore. And for what it’s worth, I’m a little proud of that.
I have recently signed up to my local gym in an attempt to get myself fitter as I’m currently more unfit than I have ever been in my life. I am having to be careful that I don’t become obsessive and keep to my initial intentions of getting healthier and not the intentions of my eating disorder- rapid weight loss. This time last year I was deeper in my eating disorder than I have ever been. It was a very dark place. My first thought in the morning and my last thought at night was about exercise I was completely obsessed and unable to let myself rest at all. I didn’t know how to stop. All I wanted was to see that number on the scales fall further and further. My relationship with exercise now is much healthier and I seem to have made a switch in my brain that HEALTH is so much more important than weight loss. I want to be healthier. I don’t want my skin to be awful and my hair to be falling out I want to have more energy and feel better about myself. I’m determined to do it right this time and treat my body with the respect it deserves.
I have been struggling a lot at the moment. It’s really hard to find the light when it all seems very dark but I have met some people in the recent months that have really gone the extra mile to help me. I recently found myself in a bit of a sticky situation where my brother ended up having to call me an ambulance. One of the paramedics that came was particularly lovely, she helped me to follow the emergency treatment that I needed to have. She spoke to me about my blog and writing to distract me from the whole situation. We spoke about writing quite a lot and I gave her the name of my blog so that she could look it up on her break. As I was waiting in A&E a notification came up on my phone of a new follower and new likes on my blog. You guessed it, it was the lovely paramedic who also has her own blog! After silly amounts of blood tests and junior doctors failing with canulas. She came into A&E with another patient but briefly sat next to me to say that she has been reading and enjoying my blog and can’t wait for my next post, so thank you lovely paramedic for going that extra mile to make that shitty situation so much better.